Tag: Depression

Down In The Dumps

I’m four weeks past having had a major surgery and I’m exhausted from laying around doing nothing.  And yet, doing nothing is all the energy I have.  Recovery is tough for someone like me, who has an extremely busy schedule.  It makes me feel “down in the dumps” when I can’t do everything that I want to do…or that I normally do. 

Have you ever noticed that when you are out of your comfort zone or doing something hard that your spiritual life becomes more important?  I’ve also noticed that more often than not, my spiritual life also becomes less apparent in my life when the times are most hard. 

When facing struggles, we often believe that it’s a natural battle; one that may be a result of surgery or an altered schedule.  The reality is that it may be a spiritual attack that has been launched at a time when you are least expecting it.  One of the primary tactics of the enemy is to deceive us to the point we don’t really realize what is taking place.  These spiritual attacks are often a series of events that have us disbelieving the promises of God, oppressing a believer, or circumventing our faith.

In 2 Corinthians 2:11, Paul reminds us, “lest Satan should take advantage of us.  For we are not ignorant of his devices.”

Throughout the Bible, we are told that the devil uses various schemes and lies to get us to a place where we question our faith and fall away from our walk with God.  It’s important to remember that Satan is smart and he’s been studying humans since the beginning of time.  He knows exactly what will tempt us. 

How have I been identifying spiritual attacks over the last few weeks?

-Frustration Increases: The enemy works to oppress my mind and create chaos, which in turn, creates frustration.  It leads me to feel anxious and panicky.

-Lack of spiritual passion: Perhaps our prayer life slows down.  Our faith is tested, but we feel like we’re failing the test.  In particular, I feel like I’m going through the motions of my Christian walk. This leads to…

-A Sense of Confusion About Purpose: Laying here in bed for weeks upon weeks, makes me question what my purpose is in sharing the Gospel. Am I using my spiritual gifts? Am I doing enough?  Am I doing what God wants me to do? Questioning my role in the Kingdom leads to…

-Unrest:  The continued temptation to give into negative thoughts steals my sense of peace and causes me to have unrest.  It leaves me exhausted mentally and quite frankly, irritated. It leaves me frustrated, which is the first thing I identified.

Thus the cycle continues, over and over again. 

While I have felt like I’ve been down in the dumps over the last few weeks, I’ve also realized that Satan has used this time to mess with my mind.  I’ve been distracted, anxious, irritable, and just plain grumpy.  I’ve allowed Satan to overwhelm me, which has impacted my walk with the Lord.  Hebrews 11:6 tells us that “…without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” 

Once I acknowledged I was faltering, I turned to James 4:7. “Submit therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”  A simple prayer, in which I told the Lord that I was turning this over to Him in submission. At once, I felt peace and was no longer “down in the dumps.” 

My circumstances have not changed.  I was still post-op from major surgery with pain, medications, restless nights, and physical therapy. However, my negative attitude and doubt about my faith had turned around and I felt aligned with God again.

If you’re facing a scenario that has you feeling “down in the dumps” please know that you are not alone.  God is with you always.  And the ladies of the Iron Porch are willing to pray for you, so comment if you need us to pray!

~Emily

Is Prayer Essential?

My quiet time with God has been a struggle recently.  I’m not sure why accept that satan loves to get under my skin and annoy me.  I start to pray and I get sidetracked.  Or I’ll say at the end of the day, ‘Tomorrow will be different.  I’m going to pray and really spend time talking with God.’  The next day hits, and it’s more distractions and laziness.

Two weeks ago, I was listening to a guest preacher speaking to a small room of people.  What he said caught me so hard that I wrote it down:

A life devoid of prayer is an arrogant one.

Let me say it again for those who find it as powerful as I did 2 weeks ago.

A life devoid of prayer is an arrogant one.

Who am I to think that I’ve got my life handled on my own?  Who am I to not recognize the needs of others?  Who am I to think I don’t need to bend my knees to the Creator of this world in reverence, supplication, and thanksgiving?

Prayer is mentioned hundreds of times in the Bible.  There are stories of Israelites praying in the wilderness.  We see Samson crying out to God for his strength during the last moments of his life.  We see David calling out to God for forgiveness. 

We, however, have the ultimate example of someone praying in Jesus Christ.  Directly after Jesus was baptized, Luke 3:21-22 says that “…Jesus was baptized, and while He was praying, heaven was opened, and the Holy Spirit descended upon Him in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, ‘You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased.’”

We see Jesus step away from the day of teaching and feeding the 5,000 to go up a mountain by himself and spend time in prayer to God (Matthew 14:23).

Jesus even tells Simon Peter at the Lord’s Supper in Luke 22:32 that He has prayed for him, that his faith would not fail.

If Jesus Himself prays to God the Father, why aren’t I also doing the same?

We are told in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “pray without ceasing;”  We rejoice in prayer.  We give thanks in prayer.  We come with requests in prayer.  We intercede in prayer.  Prayer is time spent with God.

Let’s remember that living a life without prayer, no matter how big the time gap, is an arrogant one.  I’ve written that quote down along with 1 Thessalonians 5:17 and it sits wherever I am so that I never forget that my life is God’s, not my own.  

~Erin

Longing for Brighter Days

In the past few weeks, I’ve received some emotional prayer requests from two families that likely feel like the dark clouds have rolled over their homes.  Sometimes, it feels as though our prayer requests are filled with details that seem to crush us…crush our hearts, crush our spirits & crush our outlook on life.  It’s not always easy to see where God is working during our feeling of being crushed.  The psalmist wrote, “He….guides them by the skillfulness of his hands.” (Psalm 78:72)

The blackened clouds do come.  And they will continue to come.  They become a part of our life, but through God’s grace, we don’t have to be discouraged by the presence of the dark clouds.  Just as physical clouds protect us from the bright sun or provide us with much-needed rain, the spiritual clouds provided by God protect us from things only God knows and help us see the faithfulness of the Lord.  We see this in the example of the children of Israel being led into the Promised Land.  As they travel through the wilderness the Bible tells us, “The Lord went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud to lead them the way.” (Exodus 13:21)

If you are feeling the despair and depression of clouds over your life, just know that God can turn those clouds into goodness. 

Sin may still hang over us, much like a cloud, but Christ has provided a brighter day with the forgiveness of those sins. 

Sickness and death may hang over our loved ones, but God provides a way to have eternal life.

Depression and mental health issues can hang over our households, but the Lord provides a glimpse at the heavenly happiness promised to each of us. 

The dark clouds of daily living can overtake us.  But the provision of our faithful and gracious God allows us to know that in our moments of darkness, there is hope that brighter days will be coming.  No matter the prayer request, God is already skillfully guiding the situation with His very own hands. 


We just have to have faith.  And patience.

~Emily

11 Pills

There’s this moment where you feel as if you’re the only one that has ever gone through this.  And that moment lasts for days, weeks, maybe months.  No one ever talks about it.  Maybe because you feel it’s not your story to tell.  Maybe because you feel embarrassed.  Maybe because you’re afraid you’ll be judged. But those thoughts couldn’t be further from the truth.  So here I am, ready to break this stigma wide open, because it needs to be done.  Particularly in the Christian community.  And I share it with the full support of Peyton.

On March 6th of this year, my sweet Peyton tried to kill herself.  Even writing it now makes me cry.  I never thought I’d be the parent who wrote those words.  But my daughter was so overwhelmed that she felt like the best option was to go to sleep and never wake up.  So she filled her small hand with pills, downed them with a glass of water and laid down. 

She has absolutely zero recollection of waking up about an hour later.  She has no memory of trying to go to the bathroom and talking to us…or attempting to.  She doesn’t recall the next hour of her dad and I trying to talk to her, putting her in the shower to see if she would be coherent, and us searching her room for the alcohol or drugs we were sure we would find.  

We thought she was drunk or high.  She’d sleep it off.  While I was going through her phone to see how she’d gotten the stuff, I made the single biggest mistake I think I’ll ever make in my life.  I opened her phone’s internet browser and I saw her search history, “How much amitriptyline do I take to overdose.”  And I thought, “WHAT A RANDOM THING TO LOOK UP.  NOT MY KID.” If it had been a neon sign, it would’ve blinded me and I still don’t think I would’ve acknowledged it.  Instead, I just kept looking for where she got the alcohol or drugs.

She laid in the living room on the couch asleep while I laid down on the love seat beside her, checking her throughout the night.

When she woke up the next morning, she was completely disoriented and didn’t understand why she was in the living room.  I looked at her and asked if she felt ok.  She said yes and just sat there for a moment before she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

“Can I tell you something without you getting mad?” 

I said, “Tell me.”

“I tried to kill myself last night.” And she started to cry.

What we had witnessed was my daughter’s body reacting to an overdose.  Miraculously, despite my willful ignorance to her Google search, she survived.

When you’re going through a tremendously painful time like an attempted suicide, you’re not really sure who to call or talk to.  Which one of your friends will understand?  Who is going to judge you or your kid?  Who’s going to pray, and not just pray in passing but pray the host of heaven down on your child to heal her physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?  Who’s going to treat your child differently?  Who’s going to treat YOU differently?

There’s such a stigma attached to mental health and it can feel embarrassing.  But as Chris and I walked through the next 6 days of a trip to the ER followed by some inpatient time for Peyton on an adolescent psychiatric unit, we found out we weren’t the only ones.  We knew a surprising number of people who did or were going through the exact thing we were. 

It’s been two months since her attempt, and it’s been a process to work through healing for her as well as for us.  We find that the more candid we are with Peyton about what happened and what her feelings are currently, the more she feels ok to open up when she struggles.  We can’t put her in a protective bubble (which, believe me, I’d love to do) but we can ensure that we’re walking WITH her during this.  She now knows that she’s not alone in this fight because her entire family is here to fight with her.  In turn, this has allowed her to be very open about her mental health and attempted suicide with others.  She wants to know that her miraculous gift of failure in that attempt will help someone reach out before their attempt is a permanent consequence.

My walk with God is even more important than just walking with Peyton.  As a Christian mother, I know that God is bigger than trauma, than hurts, than depression.  He is bigger than the lies the devil tells her. 

These two verses are ones that I’ve held strong to since March.

“When you pass through the waters I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,

Nor will the flame burn you.” –Isaiah 43:2

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” –John 16:33

I know that God is with us.  He sees her and He loves her.  And though there is a fight going on in her head and in her heart, He has not left her to fight this alone.  In fact, He wishes to fight on her behalf.  He wants to fight on my behalf.  I praise God that even though the world is often too invested in ‘self,’ He is invested in US.

If you are struggling with this in your home, please, I beg you, know that you are not alone.  Not only do you have a Heavenly Father who is 100% for you, you have friends here at the Iron Porch who understand and have walked in this valley, as well.  There is no judgment here.  There is no stigma here.  There is the love of a Savior and friends who stand with you.

~Erin

**If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.** 

Brush Your Hair

(*I have been given permission to share this personal story in the hope that others might let go of the stigma behind mental health issues.)

My daughter, Peyton, texted me the other day begging to come home.  She didn’t want to be at school and felt overwhelmed.  Her depression was hitting a low and she was really struggling.  To make matters worse, she had been confiding in a friend about the struggle on the bus when another girl, overhearing, leaned over and made a comment that she’d noticed something was wrong because it looked like she hadn’t brushed her hair in a few days.  It felt like a gut punch.

I encouraged her to tough it out at least until lunch and if she was still struggling she could give me a call.  The call came as soon as lunch began.  She drove herself home and walked into my office.  I asked her if she was ok, and she broke down in tears, “I’m so tired of feeling like this, mom.  I just want to feel better.”  As I hugged her, I told her over and over again that she would get through this.  We would walk with her in this and that it was ok to feel like this right now.

The diagnosis doesn’t fall far from the tree.  I was diagnosed with depression in my 20’s and have worked through the same kinds of feelings for 20+ years.  I’ve learned that with medication and appropriate techniques, I can manage the symptoms and work through the ups and downs.  I’m not ashamed of it.  It’s just part of who I am.  But over the years, I’ve had to learn to figure out how to take those lows and channel them into leaning into my Creator.

More often than not, when I’m in the mire of an episode I’m not thinking, “Take this to God.”  I’m thinking how horrible this feeling is, how overwhelmed I am, how can I make this feeling go away.  I want to hole myself up in a dark room under the covers.  Sleep the day away.  

But none of those solutions are really solutions at all.  One of the first things I should be doing is calling out to my Protector and asking Him to cover me.  It’s something I’ve had to train myself to do.  It absolutely does NOT come naturally.  But when I purposely call attention to God, I allow myself permission to stop trying to control what I can’t control and give it to Him to take on.  Here are a few verses that help me when this happens.

“Answer me quickly, Lord, my spirit fails; do not hide Your face from me, or I will be the same as those who go down in the pit.  Let me hear Your faithfulness in the morning, for I trust in You; teach me the way in which I should walk; for to You I lift up my soul.  Save me, Lord, from my enemies; I take refuge in You.” –Psalm 143:7-9

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” –Matthew 11:28

“He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may take refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and wall.” –Psalm 91:4

When I pray on these verses and ask God to help me through the depression or anxiety, it allows me to recognize that my hope is in God, that He knows exactly what’s happening, and that He’s walking with me through it.  It doesn’t change the fact that I’m in the middle of a depression cycle.  But it changes who I rely on in that cycle—HIM!

I encourage you, dear friends, if you struggle with depression or anxiety to know and understand that you are not alone.  God is there beside you, fighting the fight.  And you have friends here at the Iron Porch who support you, too!

~Erin

Mindfulness Exercises

In the last two months, I’ve started incorporating mindfulness exercises into my daily life in an effort to battle anxiety and depression.  Mindfulness exercises are 3-5 blips where you deliberately concentrate on an activity through assessing your senses, emotions, or memories.

For instance, you could do a “mindful listening” exercise where you put on classical music and then concentrate on only listening for the violin.  One that I really liked was the “mindful eating” challenge, where you take your favorite flavored skittle and really concentrate on eating that one skittle for the 3-5 minutes.  For me, it was the purple skittle, which was a walk down memory lane of my childhood with grape Hubba-Bubba gum.

This last Saturday I tried the “mindful walking” exercise while hiking with the 3-month-old puppy.  The task during the walk is to concentrate on the aspects of the walk for 3-5 minutes.  The crunch of dried sticks and leaves under my hiking boots.  The shimmer of sunbeams coming through the trees.  The tug on my wrist from the puppy’s leash.  The rustle of leaves in the wind. The coolness of the creek as it splashes on my shins as I cross a stone bridge.  The smell of water-moss-mud on the creek beds. The tension in my quads from climbing inclines.

For the first time, I also incorporated scripture in the mindful walking because scripture actually tells us to be mindful and meditate on what God has provided for us (including the nature found during a hike).

It seemed appropriate to start with Psalm 145:5 (NET) which states “I will focus on your honor and majestic splendor, and your amazing deeds.” In the NKJV of the same verse, it states, “I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on Your wondrous works.”

Keeping in mind the scriptural guidance of focusing on the splendor of God and meditating on His wondrous works, brought a whole new level to the mindful walking exercise!

The tug of the puppy’s leash doesn’t just become a sensation of my arm, it becomes gratitude that God created this puppy and that the puppy is part of our family.  The rustling of the wind in the treetops doesn’t just become a wonderous noise in the background, it becomes a reminder of God’s faithfulness to give me shade from those treetops and a cool breeze on my sweaty brow.

I wasn’t just centering myself in an exercise to control my anxiety…I was actually acknowledging God’s abundant gifts that are literally all around us!  I was following the direction in Psalm 96:12 (NET) “Let the fields and everything in them celebrate.  Then let the trees of the forest shout with joy.”

A mindful exercise that is full of celebration and joy!  I hope this next week is mindful for you too!

~Emily

Mindful Walking Hike copy

Reaching the Edge

This is how I describe what it feels like to me:  I’m in a pool with all of my friends and we’re just hanging around.  I’m getting tired, and I swim over to the edge.  I can almost touch it but it’s out of my reach….and stays out of my reach.  I kick my feet that last little bit only to see that the edge is still not finding my outstretched hand.  I still can’t touch it.  I’m getting tired, anxious, and overwhelmed from all the swimming.  I’m not going under.  I’m staying afloat, but I just. can’t. reach. the. edge.  And now I’m scared.

That’s what my depression feels like to me.

I was first diagnosed when I was 19, and I’ve battled it for 20 years.  Some years, it’s wonderful.  I pass through the seasons of life and everything feels peaceful.  Other years, it gets a grip on me and feels like it could swallow me whole if I let it.  I’ve been on multiple medications and gone to some of the most amazing counselors.  The resources that I’ve had available to me have been a blessing when I struggle with the monster.

No one’s depression looks the same.  It affects us in different ways.  I’ve seen it manifested for some, through cutting.  Others may have thoughts of suicide.  Some just have this sadness that they can’t escape, while others might have physical symptoms.  From the outside looking in, the symptoms are all the same, but how they’re painted on our life canvas looks vastly different from person to person.

When I’m struggling hardest with depression, I reach past the overwhelming feelings of being alone and afraid and I cry out to God.  It’s hard sometimes.  While I’ve been a Christ-follower for a long time, in my depression, it’s difficult to call out for help, even from God.  I’m the leader.  I’m supposed to have myself together.  God gave me a calling, so I shouldn’t need to be so….needy.   But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

He’s the Healer.  He’s the Living Water that keeps us nourished, even when it feels like a dry desert.  I re-read this passage of scripture the other day and it was such an encouragement to me.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord.  For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but it’s leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. –Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NASB)

Droughts will come.  Hardships, heartaches, anxiety, depression, hurt…it will come.  But if we trust Him, He will carry us through.  When we extend our roots out to the stream of Living Water, He sustains us.  And that verse reminds us that even if those dry seasons, we’re still producing fruit for His glory.

I’m in that pool right now, kicking and swimming and trying to get to the side.  And I haven’t reached it yet.  I take medication to help and I know God has me in His hand.  I’ll reach the edge soon.

Anyone have a verse that they use in the throes of depression that helps carry them through?  Share it in the comments below.

~Erin

Blessed is the man who trust in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves wil