Tag: burden

One Year Later-Letting Go

It’s through a much different lens that I see Peyton now.  Just a year ago, her dad and I hugged her goodbye as she started her brief inpatient stay on the adolescent psychiatric ward for a suicide attempt.  She had failed in an overdose, and she needed help that we couldn’t give her.

It’s been a long road of therapy appointments, medication management, and the battle of wills as our family settled into a different kind of normal that now presented itself.  After she came home, my days typically ended with me wondering if I’d hovered too much or didn’t hover enough.  I questioned whether I gave her too much freedom that day or not as much as she needed.  Did I hug her the right number of times?  Did she remember that I loved her?  Did she still have thoughts of suicide?

Every day was an endless list of questions in my head.  And to be honest, it was probably an endless list of questions in Peyton’s head, too.  But she was using new skills to tell us when she was struggling and utilizing coping techniques when she became anxious. 

She was working hard to fix herself on her own and has made several adult choices along the way to include moving out and making her own decisions without the confines of parental rules and regulations.  She’s not going wild, so don’t fret about that!  

How does that look for a mom and a Christian? 

As a mom at first, it meant DEVASTATION!  I want to protect her at all cost.  I saw her in the most vulnerable position last year trying to choose death over life.  I want to guarantee the people she’s friends with are good and strong, loving and dependable.  I want to know she’s eating more than McDonald’s every day and that she’s taking her medication and attending her therapy.     

As a Christian mom, it meant DEVASTATION!  I want her to be in church.  I want her to turn her heart back to God and allow Him to help heal her.  I want her in her Bible and trusting that God hasn’t left her alone.  I want her to remember the joy of the Lord she had before!

But what about as a CHRISTIAN?  Let’s take away the emotion behind being this sweet girl’s mother.  The Lord tells me in Psalm 127:3a, “Behold children are a gift of the Lord.”  She is a gift to me, but the Lord gave her to me as a gift, so He sees and knows her worth.  She is not lost on Him.  He values her as the gift that she is.

Philippians 1:6 says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work among you will complete it by the day of Jesus Christ.”  He’s not done with her.  Just because Peyton chooses to try and “fix” herself doesn’t mean that He’s given up on her.  He’s not dumping her on the wayside because she believes she can do it on her own.  He began a good work in her and I’m am assured that it will be completed. 

When I take away the emotion and fear as a mother, I’m left with trusting a Savior to be there when I can’t.  I’m left with trusting a Holy Spirit to nudge her heart.  I’m left with trusting a Father to never leave her or forsake her.

And that’s tough.  Any mother, friend, aunt, grandparent, etc who’s been in this situation knows that God has given us a desire to protect our friends and loved ones in something like this.  But He’s also given us the tools to understand that it’s HIS job to take the burden, not ours.

So here I am….letting go.  I’m trusting God will do the job that I’m inadequate for.  She’s His child.  He loves her even more than I do. 

~Erin

Unpacking Boxes

On Sunday, my husband completed a 9’ bookshelf for me!  I have boxes of books that have just been waiting for a home, and Chris built me beautiful shelves to begin placing them.  Slowly, but surely, I’m going through each box and getting them on the shelves.  My next step is to alphabetize my fiction and non-fiction books by author as well as separate my Bible study and reference material!  I’m kind of a nerd like that, so I’m very excited!

Sometimes, we have emotional “boxes” in our lives that we’ve tucked away like my books.  It’s something we need to unpack but something hinders us from doing it.  Perhaps it’s a hurt that you don’t wish to feel again.  Maybe it’s anger that you’ve stuffed down to avoid.  It could even be a fear that you’re not ready to deal with.

We keep the boxes hidden away because we don’t have the capacity or space to handle it.  What hinders me from pulling those boxes out, usually, is the need to control the current situation or the outcome.  If I can’t feel it, I don’t have to deal with it.  If I don’t have to deal with it, I don’t have to accept the answer.  The problem is, though, that the box never really goes away.  You just pile boxes on top of it until you’ve got a closet full of old boxes that never get dealt with.

You know who can handle them?  Our God can.  He tells us to give it to Him.  “Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is comfortable, and My burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30

He tells us to come to Him and He will help us.  We are to take on the yoke of the Father.  Why?  Because His yoke is comfortable and light.  But how is that possible? Because He bears it with us.  Isn’t that beautiful!  We don’t have to take on those boxes by ourselves.  We have God who walks with us, who is with us through the hard stuff.  It’s truly a gift.

I pray if you have boxes that need unpacking in your life, that you lean into the King of Kings and allow Him to help you as you begin the process.

~Erin