Category: Marriage

One Year of Grief

Last week would have been my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary.  They had just celebrated 49 when my Dad died one month later.  They missed 50 by a mere 11 months. 

My Mom has been quite stoic during this first year of grieving her husband.  In the last eleven months, she’s made it through her birthday, his birthday, their children’s birthdays, the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and Christmas by herself.  She’s made it through the 1st Sunday sitting alone at church, the first neighborhood BBQ, and the first house repair without him.  For the first time in her life, she figured out how to change the bulb in the fridge and how to set a mouse trap. 

She’s been quiet about her grief. 

Until the wedding anniversary date.  She was very vocal about not wanting to be home by herself to “mope around” all day crying and missing him.  She made plans to meet the ladies from her church for lunch and shopping to fill the day with outings.

And then a sickness went through the church that left her without plans for the anniversary date.

She watched their favorite movies.  She poured through their wedding album.  She made his favorite dessert…then ate it all!  She got flowers from her kids.  And she spent time in the Word.  Later she said that it was the best day of memories…and that God had a much better plan for her day than she had scheduled.  Psalm 34:18 says that The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

Loss is part of our human experience, but that does not make it any easier to deal with.  Death takes its toll on those left behind and occasionally it feels as though the grieving process is never-ending.  Yet, scripture offers us comfort, guidance, and hope. 

Comfort:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”  Matthew 5:4

Guidance:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Hope:

“Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.  Do you believe this?” John 11:25-26

My Mom isn’t the only one walking through grief.  I recognize that thousands of people deal with the grieving process daily.  Last week was the first time that I recognized how much scripture and the Word of God can change the tide of a day.  My Mom, who had been anticipating a sad day of mourning, instead had a joyful day of memories.  God offers comfort, guidance, and hope. 

God is good.

~Emily

Sin Permeates Everything

There was a point in my life where I talked myself out of guilt time and time again to soothe myself into believing what I was doing was ok.  My marriage of five years was on the rocks.  My husband was always working.  I stayed at home with the kids and we lived 40 minutes from town.  I was allowed to go have a little fun with my girlfriend once in a while, right?!  It was no big deal, and the lady I was hanging out with went to church so it was completely “fine.”

Except that it wasn’t.  The occasional Girls Night Out on a weekend turned into every week.  One drink turned into drunk at the bar.  I wasn’t getting the attention I felt I deserved at home, so what was the harm in smiling at another guy…or talking to one.  As long as I wasn’t being inappropriate, what was the problem?  Did you notice that I not only tried to soothe my guilt but I also redefined what was considered inappropriate?!  Oh what a web we weave.

Sin permeates everything.

My first mistake was stepping back from church.  Satan set the trap.  Then I stepped back from daily time with the Lord.  Satan began to manipulate.  Instead of being discerning in my friendships, I looked for someone that commiserated rather than edified.  From then on, I was hooked.  Sin took over it all.  Within a year, I wasn’t even talking to God, I was filing for divorce, I had stopped engaging with any of my faithful Christian friends, and I was always looking for the fun party of the weekend.  Sin had taken over my life.  It seeped into my marriage and my friendships.  It melted into my relationship with Jesus.  Even at a moment when I thought I MIGHT be able to salvage my marriage, sin had impregnated so much of my life, I let Satan have the hold on me and continued with the divorce.

Sin.  Permeates.  Everything.

When the Pharisees spoke to Jesus in John 8, they couldn’t understand what He meant about being free when they had not been slaves since the time of Moses.  Jesus responded to them in John 8:34, “…Truly, truly I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.” 

Sin makes you a slave.  It made me a slave to the world.  It made me a slave to the culture.  It made me a slave to Satan.  But God…

Thank you to the one true God who has infinite grace and mercy on a sinner like me!  When I repented of that sin and turned from it, I was released from it.  God didn’t see the jerk that I had been.  Now, He saw the remorseful Christian woman who surrendered it at His feet.

Maybe you’re recognizing just now that sin permeates it all.  Perhaps you think you’ve gone too far to have God forgive.  I’m here to tell you that that it’s not possible.  He seeks you even today.  No sin is too great.  No thought is too much.  No distance is too far.  He is right there waiting to forgive and welcome you back into the fold.  Sin doesn’t have to continue to seep into everything.  The Lord can take it over and turn into a beautiful work for His glory.

~Erin

I Hate You & Other Valentine’s Declarations

In the middle of a heated argument that had frankly gone way too far, I said, “I hate you!”  That phrase stopped us both in our tracks.  Literally pumped the breaks on the fight. 

A couple of slow blinks and my husband said, “do you mean that?”

Stuttering and blinking back tears I said, “No, of course, I don’t mean that…I’m just so frustrated and angry…I’m not even sure why I would even say that to you…I am sorry…I shouldn’t have said it.” 

As Christian women, we’re quick to remind ourselves about being a Proverbs 31 woman.  That woman is faithful and expresses reverence towards her husband.  She’s strong, charitable, well-rounded, cares for her family, and fears the Lord.  That woman does not actively argue in anger with her husband.

Often I think we focus solely on the Proverbs 31 woman and we forget the example in Chapter 2 of Titus.  The Titus 2 woman is also a reverent, self-controlled gal who is submissive to her husband.  She also trains young women and is a teacher of good things.  She is specifically not slanderous.  That woman does not tell her husband that she hates him.

My hate-filled declaration during an argument was neither an example of Proverbs 31 or Titus 2.  Here, I violated two separate examples that God has given us about how to behave within a marriage.  Yet, God gives us other examples of harnessing our anger.  In Ephesians 4:31 (NASB) scripture says, “All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice.”

Why must anger and slander be removed from us?  Simply stated, it’s hard, if not impossible, to love as Christ did while harboring anger. 

Proverbs 10:12 (NASB) tells us, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”

Love covers all offenses.  Real ones and perceived ones.  During a marital spat, I need the reminder that I love this guy I’m married to.  He’s not my enemy, rather he’s my teammate and I should be treating him with the respect that is demanded in both Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. 

Obviously, this is specific to marriage, but it’s applicable to any relationship where we want to demonstrate the love of the Lord.  We would all be better if we could remember the lessons of releasing anger and approaching one another in love.

So on the Hallmark holiday of love, I’ll make the public declaration:

I love you, babe…thanks for putting up with me.

~Emily

Pre-Holiday Breakdown

It’s mid-November.  A week before we travel to family in another state for Thanksgiving. Two weeks before my Father-in-law comes to stay with us for several weeks.  Three to four weeks before a middle school band concert, cookie exchange, Matthew West Christmas concert, mammogram, Christmas cards in the mail, packages wrapped…and the list goes on and on.

In an effort to get ahead of the holiday chaos and minimize my own stress, I wanted to get the Christmas decorations up this last weekend. See, I was thinking that I wouldn’t have to do that while we had company here and I could roll right into the festivities of December without a thought to decorating.  

Right after church, I started dragging tote after tote into the house to turn the casa into a winter wonderland.  I worked for hours while the boys washed the boat.  As the sun began to set, my attention had to turn to other chores…the chickens had to be put to bed, dinner had to be started, and clothes ironed for work on Monday.  I realized I wasn’t going to finish decorating in time.  

In a hurry I threw an empty bin into the garage, which bumped a fishing cart that promptly fell onto my foot.  I bent over in pain and screeched “poppycock!” (I’ve been making a concerted effort the last few weeks to use antiquated words—not sure I used it in the right context, but it was my 1940s word of the day).  

And then I started crying hysterically.  You know the cry.  The one where you can’t catch your breath, you turn red, your nose starts to run, and you sound like a skipping record when you try to talk.  That was me.  Hurt, but not “call 911” level hurt.  Seriously, no need for all the hysterics.  

My husband rushed over to check on me. He listened to me cry about my foot, about not finishing the decorations…and for good measure I threw in a bunch of other things like my Dad’s health, my Mom being overwhelmed, tasks to be done before we went on vacation…I even tossed in feeling sad about my pup going to the doggy day care for a week. 

He hugged me while I cried and then said, “You know, you don’t have to do the decorating or all the entertaining preparations.  You could wait.  Or not do it.  Or you could just be present with us.”

Did my husband just tell me that I’m acting like Martha, while I should be emulating Mary?!?!? 

In the 10th chapter of the Gospel of Luke, we see Martha scrambling to make all the entertaining preparations, while Mary was sitting at Jesus’ feet and listening to his teachings.  Martha becomes increasingly frustrated with her sister’s lack of assistance and complains to Jesus that Mary isn’t helping enough.  

In response to Martha’s complaint, scripture records Jesus’ response in Luke 10:41 (NASB).  “But the Lord answered and said to her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things, but only one thing is necessary; for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”  

If Jesus were right in front of me, where would my attention be?  On the decorations? On the meal preparations? On the cleaning?

Or would I be focused on Him? On His teachings? On His words?

I hope I would be focused on Him.  And through the gentle reminder from my husband and from the Gospel of Luke, I recognize I need to shift focus away from the pre-holiday meltdowns.  The preparations are nice and in some cases necessary…but they should not be overwhelming to the point of complaint or of shifted focus away from what is most important.  

As we all go into the next several weeks of preparing for the holidays, let us stay focused on what is important by remembering the examples of Martha and Mary.  It just might help us prevent a pre-holiday breakdown. 

~Emily

Put Down Your Phone!

We were seated at a small table in the corner.  The restaurant wasn’t very crowded as we waited for our family to be served.  As we were talking, I noticed my younger daughter staring into her lap.  Her father, right beside her, pulls his phone out of his pocket and scrolls emails.  My eyes wide, I exclaimed, “We’re having a conversation!  Could you put your phone away?!”  To which he did the obvious….he threw his daughter under the bus.  “She’s checking her phone, too!”

Anyone else have a meal like that?!  Really, it doesn’t even have to be a meal.  It happens all the time.  People check their phones as they walk down the street with their friends, chatting with the neighbor, or standing in line with their sibling while waiting for their coffee.  We pull out the phone to keep busy as we wait for Bible study to begin or church service to start.  It’s as if we can’t function without that little piece of hardware! 

I’m guilty of it, too!  There is absolutely no condemnation coming from this end of the keyboard.  I’d like to think I’m much better about it than I used to be, but I know that I’m sometimes not any better than anyone else in this department.

For whatever reason, though, this thought has continued to pop into my head for the last couple of months:  Put down your phone! That phrase has plagued me when I’ve pulled out my phone in the middle of a conversation.  It’s hit me when I tried to film some event and realized that I’d spent so much time trying to make sure I got the perfect angle with no noise or movement that I’d missed the real enjoyment.  And it’s even hit me when I’m in the middle of my Bible studies and I pick it up to check my newest Facebook notifications.  Is it really that important?

Table 8 (my California Bible study crew) is currently going through the book of Romans, and there is a verse in there that I’m leaning into now more than ever.  In a society that’s burdened with this feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out), I’m clinging to this.

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor,” –Romans 12:10

I don’t feel I’m being honoring to my friends when my face is buried in the most recent Facebook post about my neighbor’s horse.  I’m not honoring time with my family when I’m checking the headlines on an app.  I’m not honoring the work that someone put into something when I’m more worried about the right lighting than what they’re saying or performing.

I think relationships would be enriched if we all devoted ourselves as the Bible encourages us to do.  Paul, here, was encouraging the Romans to walk with one another in love as they navigated a life in Christ.  He advised them to be humble and honor others over themselves.  What better way than to put down the distraction and really engage with each other?!

I’m laying down a challenge to all of us.  Let’s spend less time on our phones and more time in real fellowship!  Let’s get back to the days where we forged our friendships and family time in conversations and face-to-face interactions.  Let’s honor each other with true quality time.  Let’s put down our phones!

~Erin

Bystander to the Hurting

I recently read a devotion that began with the question, “Which is harder; going through a painful ordeal yourself or watching someone close to you face a trial?”

I can think of dozens of examples where I would gladly go through a trial in order to save someone else the pain.  But that wasn’t the actual question….is it harder to do it yourself or watch someone else?  For me, it’s much harder to watch someone else and to know how best to support that individual.  

In Acts 16:16-24, we see that the faithful Paul, Silas, Luke and Timothy had gone to preach the Gospel in Philippi.  It was a time of turmoil with great danger to those proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah.  “and when they had brought them to the chief magistrates, they said, ‘These men, Jews as they are, are causing our city trouble, and they are proclaiming customs that are not lawful for us to accept or to practice, since we are Romans.’” Acts 16:20-21 (NASB)

Only two of them were arrested and flogged; Paul and Silas.

Why only two and not four?  

During a crazy time in Philippi, as a Roman colony, there was great prejudice and anti-Semitism.  While Christianity was not completely understood, Luke and Timothy were likely seen as Gentile and subsequently not arrested.  Whereas Paul and Silas were of Jewish heritage and were arrested out of hatred for that Jewish background.  

It is not easy to have the role as bystander to the hurting.  I’m confident that Luke and Timothy struggled with watching their friends punished.  They probably had turmoil over the unfairness of the situation.  Likewise, I know that I struggle watching those that I care about struggle and I certainly have trouble understanding when things seem unfair.  

God understands that it’s hurtful to observe the hurting.  Often it seems unbearable to bear witness to someone else’s pain.  He understands it so well, in part because He watches us hurting.  If He didn’t understand, He wouldn’t have given us so many examples within scripture to learn from. 

It’s not easy to watch someone else’s hurt.  Luke and Timothy had to endure that pain, as have I.  I’m sure you have as well.

In the next week, I’m praying for those around the porch who are hurting. And I’m specifically praying for those of you who are watching someone else’s hurting.  Rest assured you aren’t alone and that God understands.

~Emily

Little Moments and the Main Event

A week ago, my family was involved in one of the most beautiful weddings that I’ve ever attended. The bride was gorgeous and the groom was dashing.  The floral arrangements were perfect in the soft glow of candle light. The food was amazing and the blueberry wine was fantabulous.

The main event, as at all weddings, was the moment the bride and groom meet at the altar and pledge their love and faithfulness before God and all their friends and family members.  This wedding was no different.  The main event was a covenant between two people and their God. Everyone attending was sure to witness the main event.

But there were dozens of little moments that lead up to the main event.  These little moments are missed by many as they focus on helping the bride and groom. For instance, how many saw all the breakfast preparations that morning?  How many saw the wedding coordinator triple checking the details? How many saw the DJ take a moment to chat with the mother of the bride? How many witnessed the night-time prayers of the flower girl and ring bearer?

In the midst of constantly being told to keep their clothes clean, to be quieter, or stay off the grass, how many got to see that flower girl and ring bearer trying to blow dandelions without getting dirty clothes?UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_d611These are snapshot moments that make up the entire day.  They are the little moments that lead up to the main event.  They are examples of how each moment is in support of the bride and groom…each moment in support of a covenant with God.

It made me reflect on all the little moments that lead up to another main event that created a covenant between all of us and God: The Crucifixion of Christ.

Imagine the events of the crucifixion, as you would a wedding.  All the preparation and planning.  Ensuring all the right people were in place.  The long walk.  The prayers to the Father.  The declaration “it is done.” Everyone attending saw the main event.

But how many little moments were missed?  Who was responsible for the tree being cut down and the cross being constructed? Who was witness to the beatings and whippings of Christ the day before? Who was bore witness to the nails being created? Who watched Mother Mary weeping for her child?

All little moments that lead up to the main event.

But each of those moments were snapshot memories that made up an entire day.  They lead to the main event.  Examples of how God’s perfect plan was in motion before any of them…or us…knew we needed that perfect plan.

The little moments, such as the flower girl and ring bearer blowing on dandelions, are mere memories offered to a selected few. Yet they represent the love and support that lead up to the main event of a bride and groom uniting as one.

Each of the seemingly little moments leading to Christ’s death were seen by few. Yet they represented God’s love and support of all of us.  All of us.

This week, I’m praying that each of us takes a moment to reflect on the little moments that lead to the main events of life.

~Emily

Grandma’s Prayer Closet

Seeing someone’s prayer closet is exciting.  Seeing my grandmother’s prayer closet was an honor.

Wilma, or Grandma as I like to call her, is one of the most influential Christian women I know.  My Pop’s mom has been a believer since long before I was even a notion in my parents’ thoughts, and she raised her children to love and believe in Jesus Christ.  My Mom often describes her as the glue that holds the family together.

Long road trips across the country began in my late 20’s to take my children to meet Grandma and Grandpa in South Carolina.  During those vacations, there weren’t many days that went by that didn’t include Grandma meeting with shut-ins to pray with them, teaching the Sunday School class, or going to assist with the prison ministry in the women’s division.  She’s dealt with more heartache and struggle than almost anyone I’ve known.  And yet.  Her resilience is astounding.  I know that this is due to her strong faith in her Savior.

I surprised her with a quick overnight visit when I was back east several weeks ago. She had no idea I was coming, and the look of shock on her face as Pop told her that someone had left “2 hams at the door” as Emily and I strode in behind him was priceless!  It was wonderful to have a little visit with her.

The morning I left, as I chatted with her, she asked me if I wanted to see her prayer closet.  I was thrilled to be able to say yes.  As we went into her room, I saw how she had transformed the space into a cozy area to be with Jesus.

A pile of devotionals, studies, and notebooks sat at her makeshift desk.  A little side table was set up with stationery for notes to be sent out for encouragement. Concordances and commentaries were behind her chair on a bookshelf.  She even added a little coffeemaker in the room!  She told me she could get out of bed, make it, and then brew her coffee to get her time in with Jesus first thing in the morning without even having to leave the room!

Grandma knows that the time spent with Jesus to start her day is not only encouraging to others, it’s needed to help her day be well from the start.  She enjoys and loves the time she spends talking with God and soaking in His wisdom and instruction.  In that prayer closet, her children all the way down to her great-great-grandchild are prayed for.  Her friends and church members are prayed for.  Her town is prayed for.

Maybe you don’t have a prayer closet, or maybe you don’t have enough space to commandeer a space just for that.  Get creative!  I use a wall in my tiny home office to tape up prayers that I want to remember to pray for.  Because I didn’t have a lot of space, I have a large open container where I keep my Bible study materials.  It has notebooks, different Bible versions, and devotionals.  When it’s time to go to my prayer closet, I take the items from the container that I need for my time with Him.

Perhaps you don’t even have room for that.  Here’s what I would say to you.  Make whatever chair or couch or porch you sit on your prayer closet and just spend some time with Him….a little bit every day.  That time with Jesus will change you and grow you.  It always does.

~Erin

5ACECA31-F009-4888-86DC-679304010661
Me, Grandma, & Andros, my grandson. (Ignore photobombing Peyton in the background!)

Cockroach Leg Eyebrows

As a small child, my mom would smooth down my eyebrows as soon as I woke up in the morning.  As a teen, I would make my eyebrows a mess by pushing them backwards against the grain…just to see if my mom would notice. She always did.  Apparently, those eyebrows were wild!

Interestingly enough, my mom has never worn make up.  Therefore, she didn’t teach me about make up.  Other than smoothing my eyebrows down, she taught me nothing about taming the beasts above my eyes.  It wasn’t until I had been in the Air Force for over four years that friends took me to a tweezing session.  That first tweezing was HORRIBLE!  My eyes were welled up and I was sneezing. I thought my brains were being pulled out!

Since then, I’ve experienced cultural eyebrow grooming throughout the world.  Most notably, the string technique in Turkey, a wicked stinky mix of wax in Korea, and a hefty German woman plucking away while swilling beer.

My eyebrows have been beaten into submission.

My husband’s eyebrows? They are a different story.  He has one that shoots out like cockroach legs. I’m constantly smoothing his eyebrows down.  What I would give to take a pair of tweezers to his caterpillars!

Alas, last week while wiping a roach leg into place, I suddenly had a thought.  Does anyone, let alone God, really care about the appearance of our wild brows?  Instantly a verse came to mind.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”                ~1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV)

Each of us have such potential to be great in God’s sight…with or without the outward adornments. God doesn’t equate the outward adornment of our eyebrows with our inner worth.

My eyebrows will continue to be tamed.

My husband’s will probably continue to get my attention.

With 1 Peter in mind, I’m going to try to give his brows less attention.

~Emily

Eyebrows