I don’t often break down. I definitely don’t break down in front of people. I’m the kind of woman that needs to feel like she’s got her emotions in check. I encourage women to let go and be ok with not having it all together. But me….I don’t always take my advice.
Let’s take the Walmart incident Emily wrote about two weeks ago. When she wrote that I had a meltdown, she wasn’t exaggerating! I took a left at the end of McKenna’s road to head to Walmart and somewhere in that 4 minute drive, as she encouraged me to tell her what was going on in my head, I start blubbering and crying. And she was there to help me get myself back together. Here’s what she didn’t tell you because she felt it was my story to write.
I was afraid of judgment. Here we were, visiting my beautiful oldest daughter and her husband, Indy, along with my sweet little grandbaby, Andros, and I was worried that I would be judged on how well McKenna was doing! By my best friend! How silly does that sound!?
But it wasn’t silly to me in that moment. Would Emily see something that would reflect poor parenting? Were McKenna and Indy thriving? Was Andros doing well? Did McKenna love her job? Was the house clean enough? Were they eating healthy?
These are all things moms worry about for their grown children, but somehow in that moment, Satan had woven anxiety around me to make me feel as if I needed to question my worthiness as a parent, as a grandparent, and as a friend.
It was overwhelming to say the least. In that 4 minute drive, I was afraid to tell Emily that I was terrified of being judged by her. Yet, when I shared my heart, she lovingly told me that there was NOTHING that would ever make her feel as if I wasn’t a good parent, a good person, a good friend. She reminded me that I was overwhelmed with everything going on with the trip, and that there were great things in store from God. And that I needed to stop freaking out!
And just like that, it was over. It was as if God had placed this blanket of protection over me through my best friend’s kind yet realistic words. Satan’s rhetoric was banished from that car, and grace filled the air.
How many times do we do that to ourselves, ladies? We question our value and our worth through someone else’s eyes. We want to feel accepted and worthy of a friendship or a job. We long to feel good enough to teach a class or learn a new skill. Yet, we forget that God sees us as worthy already. We are good enough. Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV) says, “For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
He knew who we were before we were born, and He created us in His image. We. Are. Worthy. Because we are His.